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American-Indian War
The Indian Wars was a war between the savage Indian natives, and the peaceful, white colonists of America. This war was not one large, on-going war, but rather a series of multiple wars where America mostly totally kicked ass. Perhaps the phrase "Manifest Destiny" doesn't translate so well into Indian. The First American Settlers The first civilized people to step forth on America's Continent came in peace, so as long as the Native Indians followed two simple rules: Unfortunately for them, the Indians found these unreasonably reasonable conditions unacceptable. Christopher Columbus When our first unofficial President, Christopher Columbus landed his 4 vessels on America's Continent in 1492, he immediately encountered some of the native Indians. He was surprised by how savage, uncivilized, and backwards these people were-they didn't even have running water. He was also startled by how friendly these people were...a little too friendly. Every man, women, and child ripped off their clothes and offered to fornicate with Christopher Columbus and his noble crew. Quickly identifying these people as Godless heathens, who worshiped gold, Columbus rid these people of their sinful vice. In this case Columbus was so kind to take their gold so far away (to Spain under the watchful eye of the Queen) so they would not be tempted. The First Thanksgiving After sailing across the Sea aboard the USS Mayflower, dodging Kraken along the way, the Pilgrims had their first Thanksgiving with the Indians. This uncoincidentally, was also the place of the first football game (Redskins vs. Patriots) among the two peoples. However the glee from the premiere of this annual festival wore off quickly, for as the Indians undercooked their bean casserole causing everyone to get sick. Indian Atrocities Even after Christopher Columbus took their (sinful) gold away from them, and even after the Pilgrims showed the Indians how to play football, it became apparent that the peace could not last. From the moment the peace-loving Americans stepped foot on America's Continent, the Indian's peace-loving, Jesus-accepting façade quickly evaporated to show their collective heart to be black as coal. The Indians soon became notorious for their savageness, cannibalism, love of "firewater", inhumanity, and genocidal slaughter of Christians and all those who were different from them. The Roanoke Massacre In 1585, God-fearing colonists settled in Roanoke, North Carolina, and just over two years later, disappeared. Such a disappearance might be explained that they were absorbed into local Indian tribes, or moved away, or tried to go back to England, or that even the Spanish destroyed the colony. These of course would be all wrong. The truth is that these people were tricked, then slaughtered (and possibly eaten) by the Indians. We even know the Tribe, the "Croatoans". If you were to visit what remains of this settlement today, you would find a magical tree. Normally trees are evil, and to be cut down whenever possible, but not this tree. This tree clearly displays the letters "CROATOAN" on its tree skin. This tree witnessed the whole massacre, and has displayed the perpetrators of this atrocity for the last 700 years. Other Massacres *'1540' - Mexican, Hernando de Soto's town was burned to the ground, women and children were bayoneted in front of their husbands/fathers. 25,000 dead. *'1622' - Pocahontas lead tens of thousands of Indian warriors to Jamestown, Virginia. Here they buried alive some 16,500 Christian monks. *'1764' - 1,400 pregnant Delawarean women were forced to eat their involuntarily aborted fetuses. *'1854' - Indians even hate the Troops. They killed 29 sleeping soldiers on leave from Iraq. *'1859' - 37,567 Americans were machine-gunned to death in South Dakota. *'1887' - What would an Indian massacre be without a good 'ole fashion scalping? Indians ambushed a gaggle of Girl Scouts while they were selling cookies. Indians not as successful selling scalps as the girls were cookies. (Note: Scalping was only done by Indians!!!) Major Battles Most of the wars between America and Indians were as a result of the Indians not following rule #1, mentioned above. Battle Of Fallen Timbers After President George Washington decided to expand America and allow white people to settle in places like Ohio and Indiana, violence soon erupted. After violating rule #1, an army lead by General John Wayne to battle the Indians at the Battle of Fallen Timbers The Americans benefiting from a 3-1 advantage in manpower, 12-1 advantage in firepower, and 12,242-1 advantage in brainpower easily crushed the Indians. Indian Removal Act Much like today with the Mexicans, the USA of 1830 found themselves flooded with illegal aliens. One man had the balls to do something about it. President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act to stop Indian tresspassing in 1830. And of course these lawbreakers again refused to comply with Rule #1. The United States clearly violated no treaty (nor ever!!) with these trespassers (and loiterers). We purchased the land from Spain. But Fair is fair, if the Indians wanted that land for themselves, they should have bought it from Spain. Red Cloud's War After being banished to the plains of the Dakotas, this land was a "gift" given to them as a peace offering by the United States. The land was given under the assumption that it would be perfect for Indian habitation-no natural resources. But when gold was found in the Black Hills, the US found another stretch of land that was even more perfect for the Indians. One unapreciative Lakotan Indian, Red Cloud lead a series of 9/11-ish sneak attacks against the United States. Historians would tell you that Red Cloud was so successful against the US Army; he was never defeated. But what they won't tell you is that the American Army against the Indians were lead by idiots. Dr. Colbert's goldfish, Anthrax could lead men better than these hapless commanders. Battle Of Little Big Horn You can think of the Battle of Little Big Horn as kind of "The Alamo" of the Indian Wars. It is also known as "Custer's Last Stand" by the actions of brave but humane, non-racist Civil War hero named General George Custer. While real Alamo had Davey Crocket, Little Big Horn had a man in Custer who gallently stayed to die with his men. Custer and his men, although outnumbered 750:1, fought bravely and were able to hold of the Indian hords 30 minutes 30 days before being totally annihilated. Even after he and his men ran out of ammunition, he would not surrender. Not because he would have been the Indians dinner that night, but rather because he wanted history to be the judge of his legecy; not the Godless indians or liberal media. America Triumphs Despite the patriotism generated in Americans after Custer's Last Stand, events like Red Cloud were becoming all to frequently. America's decider at that time decided to win the war making unfair treaties, that could later be broken with no concequence through peace. To show their good intentions, the United States gave the cold, suffering Indians an offering of blankets. Through some divine intervention, all the blankets were some how infected with smallpox. Coincidentally, unlike the white Americans, the Indians had no immunity to the disease whatsoever! Further depleting the Indian's will to fight was the gift of Alcohol. Indians still to this day love their alcoholic beverages. So much so that they refuse to get jobs so they can spend all day, every day with their beloved elixers. (probably not very well). Who would have imagined?]] Americanization Of Indians After America kicked the Indian's collective asses, the Indians soon realized that they would go nowhere but to hell if they kept up their current ways. All Indians soon wanted to be like the whiteman (who can blame them?). America was happy to help. This process of turning a savage Indian into a proper human being was called "Americanization". Indians were taught to speak American, converted to Catholicism an taught in Indian Boarding Schools to standards of white America. There was absolutely NO truth to the rumors of rampant sexual, physical and mental abuses occurring at these schools. Americanization was such a success that those who describe themselves as "Indians" have decreased over 90% over last 500 years. American-Indian Relations Today Even though liberals will deny it, the war between Americans and Indians continues today. Like the terrorists of today, the Indians are now too cowardly to fight a traditional war against America. They now try to financial foundations, and taking away our favorite team's identity. Casino: The Contined War Against America Each indian has net worth of 1.25 million, and no indians living under the poverty line. True to their clever ways, indians have found a way to ___ Americans today through their casinos, Fight to change indian school mascots It isn't enough for the indians to take our money Those who have changed: http://www.inwhosehonor.com/documents/mascot_changes.html Alcorn State University (Braves) Central Michigan University (Chippewas) Catawba College (Indians) Florida State University (Seminoles) Midwestern State University (Indians) University of Utah (Utes) Indiana University-Pennsylvania (Indians) Carthage College (Redmen) Bradley University (Braves) Arkansas State University (Indians) Chowan College (Braves) University of Illinois (Illini) University of Louisiana-Monroe (Indians) McMurry University (Indians) Mississippi College (Choctaws) Newberry College (Indians) University of North Dakota (Fighting Sioux) Southeastern Oklahoma State University (Savages) But otherwise Indians can vote!!!! attend non-Indian Boarding Schools with regular Americans.